Rambling : Caught Up in the Business of Real Life
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Okay, so, I was swallowed whole by a rare and particularly vicious species of woman-eating monster (right after the dog ate my homework). I swear.
Actually, I really was. About 3 months ago the new version of Everquest was released and my life just hasn’t been the same since. I abandoned my blog, put my freelance work on hold and buckled down to do some serious gaming. Three months later I am starting to feel a little rotten to the core. Three solid months of doing absolutely nothing productive (unless of course you count having three 23+ level characters and close to a platinum piece in your virtual bank, productive) and my head is spinning with self-abnegating thoughts. Now, I am coming up for air. I have actually disconnected my PC so as not to be a temptation. After all, I have plans for my life and sharing an umbilical cord with my computer is not one of them.
My chief problem is that I am having a not-even-close-to-mid-life crisis. Don't laugh. I am serious. I have lived in all the desirable major cities in the US and I am just not sure where to go next. For half my life I have been living like a quasi-nomad, afraid to get too attached to any one place for fear that it would suck me in. I have lived in a slew of city apartments adorned only with Sauder furniture and the mountain of books I insist on lugging all over the country. Now here I am, wondering what to do next. I don’t want to stay where I am, but I can't think of where to go. I am perpetually tormented by the state of my career (and career choices) yet I am fighting hard against the current that seems to be sweeping up all of my peers and colleagues: the children-house-dog-white picket fence current. So the question is: what's a girl to do?
If you asked me what thing I am most afraid of, the answer would be: atrophy, lack of enthusiasm (maybe exuberance is a better word for it) and getting my hand caught in the garbage disposal, in that order. It seems so many people settle into their careers, become good at what they do and stop challenging themselves. They come home from work, turn on the tube (or the computer) and wash the day away. I can actually feel myself becoming dumber just thinking about it. In my life, I am very fortunate to have a few role models who continually impress me with their intellectual prowess at a time in their lives when most of their peers have sublimated into the average. These are people whose continual quest for knowledge and learning have humbled me time in and time out causing me to repeat to myself the mantra of "I want to be like that".
The unfortunate part of mental atrophy is that it is an uphill battle. If you are not in a career which propels you away from atrophy (for example an academician) than you will lapse into the comfortable state of un-thinking -- it is inevitable. That is, unless you devote your free time to working out your mind. I don’t know the best way to do this. I am an avid reader -- I read what I am interested in -- not quantum physics, but genetics, WW2 history books, theories of evolution. Still none of my extra-curricular reading seems to even come close to pushing me the way I was pushed when I was in school. I find myself struggling to remember details of a book I read two months ago.
My husband swears that the way to battling atrophy is math. We spend long car rides doing long division in our heads struggling to get faster and more complex. I don't know if this works, but I suppose it can't hurt. In a few years I will be as fast as a blackjack dealer.
My second fear is lack of exuberance. What is it about age that saps our vitality? It is as if living is terribly tiring and over time our capacity for joy becomes diminished. I have known people who are no longer excited to be living. If excitement is just a luxury of youth, I hope I never grow old. Unfortunately, I can feel it happening. For the first time in my life, I am not excited about anything and I don't know why. I don't want to be like that.
A close member of my family is what I would categorize as the epitome of exuberance. Despite the fact that she is almost 55, that she can and has traveled everywhere and done so many things, she still manages to maintain her childish enthusiasm. She will try anything and embraces life in a way that is truly admirable. I want to be like that.
So, I guess it is time -- time to find something to be excited about, time to try something scary, time to come up for air and time to get back to the business of real life.
